Somehow…. this was my life

Do you truly understand what it is to be both mom and dad to your child?

Having to be the one to do it alone, all hours of the night?

Well guess what? I do.. I do it with no help from any boy out there. No matter the situation I was in, I had to suck it up for a child I raise without your help in any way.

I was the one who worked full-time while I attended college full-time while raising our child.. I may have had help at times from family or when he was in daycare, but honestly do you think that was enough for me AND an infant? I mean, I barely made enough to support our lives when I had bills needing to get paid and having to absolutely have food in the house we shared with my three siblings and my parents. But we still managed to get by the best that we could.

I love my son more than I can put into words! He made me a better person. And still til’ this day, our little boy keeps me from going back into the hole I had to drag myself out of… I deal with having depression, anxiety, bi-polar, all of which being schizophrenic. I am a wreck. But in my childs eyes, I can do no wrong… Well, that is until I say no to candy or cookies for breakfast! I love the child you helped me create, but he needs his dad for the thing I, as a female, cannot teach him.

I absolutely love being a mommy…. 

…. But I miss having a social life

Life as a mommy means, knowing every episode of your child’s favorite TV show, constantly cleaning and washing clothes, hearing him scream and cry when you say no, having people stare at you and your child when a tantrum is being thrown at the store, seeing his eyes light up so bright when he finally figures out a solution to a problem, all of which you get to see him grow and become his own person

But I am not just a mom…. I am someone who also has wants/needs…..

I miss having a life outside of motherhood, I miss having friends to talk too, I miss going out on dates, but mostly I miss being able to just sleep at night…. I want to enjoy life; maybe not in the same ways as I use too… But, open your eyes and truly see where I am coming from… I want to go out with friends, go dancing or go camping and sit in front of a first just talking to other people my own age.. I want to go on a date with someone… Meeting someone new and enjoying a night who you can click with and feel a spark with another person. Just wanting to get yourself dressed up and feel beautiful with yourself…..

Is that being a bad mother? Wanting not to just be seen as a mommy…..

I honestly feel heartless when I say that because I love my child. It seems like I am ungrateful with my life I have now with our son… Can anyone honestly and truly see where I am coming from? 

I hate myself for all these feelings I have at the same time….