Somehow…. this was my life

Do you truly understand what it is to be both mom and dad to your child?

Having to be the one to do it alone, all hours of the night?

Well guess what? I do.. I do it with no help from any boy out there. No matter the situation I was in, I had to suck it up for a child I raise without your help in any way.

I was the one who worked full-time while I attended college full-time while raising our child.. I may have had help at times from family or when he was in daycare, but honestly do you think that was enough for me AND an infant? I mean, I barely made enough to support our lives when I had bills needing to get paid and having to absolutely have food in the house we shared with my three siblings and my parents. But we still managed to get by the best that we could.

I love my son more than I can put into words! He made me a better person. And still til’ this day, our little boy keeps me from going back into the hole I had to drag myself out of… I deal with having depression, anxiety, bi-polar, all of which being schizophrenic. I am a wreck. But in my childs eyes, I can do no wrong… Well, that is until I say no to candy or cookies for breakfast! I love the child you helped me create, but he needs his dad for the thing I, as a female, cannot teach him.

I absolutely love being a mommy…. 

…. But I miss having a social life

Life as a mommy means, knowing every episode of your child’s favorite TV show, constantly cleaning and washing clothes, hearing him scream and cry when you say no, having people stare at you and your child when a tantrum is being thrown at the store, seeing his eyes light up so bright when he finally figures out a solution to a problem, all of which you get to see him grow and become his own person

But I am not just a mom…. I am someone who also has wants/needs…..

I miss having a life outside of motherhood, I miss having friends to talk too, I miss going out on dates, but mostly I miss being able to just sleep at night…. I want to enjoy life; maybe not in the same ways as I use too… But, open your eyes and truly see where I am coming from… I want to go out with friends, go dancing or go camping and sit in front of a first just talking to other people my own age.. I want to go on a date with someone… Meeting someone new and enjoying a night who you can click with and feel a spark with another person. Just wanting to get yourself dressed up and feel beautiful with yourself…..

Is that being a bad mother? Wanting not to just be seen as a mommy…..

I honestly feel heartless when I say that because I love my child. It seems like I am ungrateful with my life I have now with our son… Can anyone honestly and truly see where I am coming from? 

I hate myself for all these feelings I have at the same time…. 

First Blog Post

I am an ex-drug addict. I am a single mother. I am a daughter, I am a nanny. 

I care too much, I love too hard, and I forgive too easily.

A past life that will hurt me in every way 

While I’m sitting here looking at this blank page mocking me to write something, while thinking and looking back at the life I had makes me now realize, I have been through so much in such a short time and I am happy to say I will still stand here proud of myself of the women I have became. It is true that I may be broken in more ways then others but for someone to see me now compared to my past life; many people would be shocked to see my life and the family I have. I was raised in a family who never understood me as person, I have encountered physical and mental abuse in previous relationships by the “men” who swore they would never hurt me in any way, and a life as a single mother at the age of 22 years old while alternating weeks with my sons father, I truly have to say i am content with it just me and my child and seeing he is a reflection of who I am because I raised him.

But lets get back to what this is really about and that would be, when it comes to any person in this world, we all have a previous life that has to be hidden from the society we all live in today. I hear people complain that they don’t like to be judged, but will turn right around and say some crazy things about the people around us for the life they LIVED but nothing about the life they are LIVING currently . How is it that we sit here and pass judgement on one another without any kind of understanding or prior knowledge of what that person has been through or still going through. We judge people based on word-of-mouth, the things they have materialistically, or by the persons half told stories. There is no winner, let alone any losers this time of age. But what about yourself? Do you, as a person who too is trying to hide your own demons, judge and assume things upon yourself?

Ever since I was 13 years old, I hated my body because of the way society made it seem. Then ever since my drug problems, when it comes to seeing my reflection, my eyes instantly go straight to my arms and all I see are the track marks that will forever itch when a craving hits me randomly. Yes, I was a drug addict at the age of 14 and I was able to get myself clean in 2012 at the age of 18 after finding out I was three-weeks pregnant with my son. After I received the news that I was going to have a child, I stopped all my drug use cold turkey– HARDEST THING IN MY LIFE! And still, til’ this day I will forever struggle with the addiction I use to have but my will-power will NOT leave me or the love I have for my son. Everyday is still an uphill battle– not only for myself but more so for my son who is my every reason to staying this strong, even when I want to break into a million pieces and give up. I’m trying to accomplish in seeing a mother when I look in the mirror; a mother who use to be a drug addict and yet was able to get clean while managing to stay clean for her child, while fighting the constant battle daily of a demon she will forever hold near…..

Now lets look at things in a different view point… 

What is it that you see in your mirror? Are you happy with yourself and your accomplishments? Do your demons try to escape your mind while you’re trying to hold yourself up just a little more then yesterday? Better yet, let me ask you this…… When you are walking down the street facing your own issues, you come along a park and watch a mother with her son. She looks young but you cant tell just how young she really is, and now you sit there and watch these two interact with each other. You hear them laughing and screaming, as they chase one another around the playground and you can’t help but feel some sort of way…. Judgement is now going through your mind for whatever reason you have at that moment. But why is that? You don’t know her, that little baby of hers, or her life in any way. So why is there judgement?

The scary truth with no understanding….

These are the questions that keep me up at night while I try to sleep. How is it that people can be so judgmental but when it comes to someone judging them it’s a different story. For everyone who cares to know the true story behind my demons; when I said I have been through a lot, I meant it…. If you saw me, you would never expect the demons I have hidden so deep down inside, I am scared to face them myself.

Unwanted sex 5 different times at age 13 (lost virginity)…

A child given up for adoption at  age 14……

After that baby left her arms, drug abuse came into play….

Drug abuse became an addiction….

The addiction took over her life…

Homeless, sleeping in sheds, & panhandling 

Which all lead to the very beginning of this story–

Becoming pregnant & getting life back in order…

Could you ever picture a life like that? And still, that is not the whole story of myself